I am lonely. L.O.N.E.L.Y. And it does not do good things for me.
I am not, by definition, a social person. I don't enjoy crowds. Sometimes gatherings with a large group of people turn out to be okay, sometimes not. But I do love my friends and when I went through the Big Batch o' Crazy a couple of years ago, I found out that I NEEDED my friends. I honestly do not understand how some people get through emotional times without talking things through. I have some friends who "deal with it on their own", but for the life of me I couldn't tell you what that entails. I need to have two or three people with whom I feel comfortable enough to share my feelings without fear of judgment. Dealing with it on my own is not a skill I possess.
When my thoughts stay in my head, they tend to get tangled up in each other and mutate. But when I'm able to talk through my feelings, it's like taking bits of snarled twine out of a box, untangling them, neatly winding them up and then placing them carefully back in the box. When I speak my feelings, I'm able to better understand things and that helps me decide what, if any, action I should take. Sometimes it's just nice to get the feelings and words out of me. I always feel better after talking.
If you've read my family blog, you know that my family and I are currently living with my mother and that my husband is driving long-haul truck. He is gone for about two weeks at a time and then home for two days. It's not ideal, but it is what it is for the time being and we try to make the best of it.
What brought on the flood of loneliness was that today I had my first visitor since I moved here four and a half months ago. It was a fun visit. We didn't do much, just sat on the couch and talked and our kids ran and screamed like banshees and destroyed everything that they could destroy. I cried when she left. I realized that she was my first visitor and that I really have not been to see anyone since I moved here, either.
A confidant (or two or three) is as vital to me as air or water, and I have been practically without that for several months. I had some very close friends, but life changed, responsibilities changed, and I felt some shifts in our relationships. I don't hold anyone responsible for me feeling alone because, hello, we all have phones and I have a car and the knowledge of where people live. It's just that things have felt different and so I have kept to myself. Morgan and I talk every day, but I know that he worries about me and I don't want every phone call to be me whining about how hard this is or how lonely I am. It's hard enough for him to be gone; I don't want to make it worse by making him feel bad for leaving me alone. And, even though I live with my mother, she and I don't have the best of relationships so I just feel so...alone. All of the time.
I must give people some credit, though. I have been invited to several parties or gatherings. Some of them were couples' parties and, while I was graciously assured that I was welcome as a singleton if Morgan was on the road, I was certain that going to those functions would just highlight my loneliness and make me feel worse. The other things that I have been invited to I have been unable to attend due to scheduling conflicts or the lack of a sitter. My mother frequently reminds me that since we live with her, she tends my kids every day and therefore does not want to do it in the evenings so that I can go play. So, that makes school nights off-limits. My father-in-law is great to watch my kids, but he isn't always available and it's awkward for him to babysit for me when my mom is in the same house. So, if I'm going to be out past the kids' bedtime, I can't take the kids to his house because then they'll be up too late. I have turned down invitations that I wanted so badly to accept just because I couldn't find a sitter and couldn't handle the guilt of having my mother watch the kids.
I know that attending church would help to ease my loneliness and it's my own stupid fault for not attending. That's a completely different can of worms that I don't feel like opening right now, though. Suffice it to say, this loneliness is mostly my fault, but that doesn't make it any easier to bear.
I have to admit that I am worried that I have chased my friends away. The past couple of years have not been a picnic for me emotionally, and, as a result, I have needed someone to act as a sounding board a lot. I worried then and expressed my worries but I was always told that if it got to be too much that I would be told. Did I over-do it? Did I wear out my welcome? I'm so scared because I really feel like I need close friends, but I'm afraid that I chase them away. Being able to talk about your biggest fears and concerns is a special thing in a friendship and it's not something that just automatically comes with every relationship. It takes months or years to build the trust and love for someone to feel as if you are able to do that.
I really hesitated to write this post. It's been rattling around in my brain for some time now but today the gates broke and it needed to come out. If you are a personal friend of mine, I hope that you don't feel bad. That's the biggest reason that I hesitated to post this. I don't want anyone to feel guilty that they have a life, too. Additionally, if you are my personal friend, you know that I need to get stuff out and I hope that you will understand that this was the only way that I had at the time. This post has been a big pile of whining boo-hoo-iness, but this is where I come to write this kind of garbage. :)
*placing the last of the neatly wound threads back in the box*
I'm feeling calmer now, and I know that I'm attending church tomorrow so I know I'll be with friends. I will be okay. I will learn how to handle things, either on my own or I will find another way. If I have learned anything from Morgan driving truck, it is that I am much stronger than other people think that I am. I believe that people live up to the expectations they are given, so being treated like a bomb that could go off at anytime encouraged me to act that way. I know that a lot of people worried that I would totally lose it without him near me every day. I'll admit, I wasn't looking forward to it. But somehow I knew that I would be okay. It turns out that when you have no choice, you just do it. It's sink or swim. But it's also more than that. You can choose to flail about and barely keep your head above water, or you can swim with style. I'm trying to do it with style, but I do my fair share of flailing. I do know, however, that I will get through this rough spot. I don't know how, but I know that I will. I know what I am, and what I am is a strong woman.
